Purpose. What does that mean? What is my purpose? What was this baby's purpose? These are just a few of the thoughts rambling in my head right now. Loss can make you contemplate many things like that. I know we're all created with a purpose, but what happens when you feel like you've lost it along the way? How do you begin again? Where to start . . .
For me, I have come to realize through this experience, that my purpose is far greater than I am living out each day. I am meant for something more. For so many years I've lived my life just waiting, wasting my time, waiting for the day when I would get to become a mother and begin living out what I've always considered to be my real life's purpose. Years and years have gone by and I just keep waiting for that day for life to truly begin for me. Right now, I don't do anything significant with the time I have been given. I get on a bus, ride for an hour, sit in a cubicle staring at a screen for 8 hours, get back on a bus, ride for an hour, and watch TV until I fall asleep. This is what my life has become. I've never really had a problem with this before because I always knew it was just for a season. Everything was leading up to that one day when my real life could begin and I had my sights set on that goal alone. So I've just been biding my time waiting around for a dream. But maybe it's time to stop wasting my time, sitting around waiting for something significant to happen, and actually make something happen. I am not referring to having a baby, I have learned that there's no part of me that has any control over that. I am referring to change. Allowing myself to explore other ideas and opportunities out there that would make better use of time in the present. Stop living for the future. I wonder what inspires me? What empassions me? What motivates me? I wonder if there's anything out there I could be doing with my life that would bring myself and others value and fulfillment. Maybe I should go back to school and find what it is that I really love and pursue a path to a bigger reality. I feel stifled, complacent, and ultimately terribly unhappy living in a world where I make no impact nor any difference in anyone's life on any given day, including my own. I am equipped for so much more than that.
As for our baby and its tiny, fragile, and all-too-short life, I have found strength and comfort in the words of an acquaintance shared with me through a dear friend, "There is no circumstance, no trouble, no testing, that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But I refuse to...become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart." I may never fully understand what this baby's purpose was, but I can take comfort in knowing that it did have a purpose, a great purpose, and that ultimately, as God reveals a little more of it to me each day, the ultimate purpose for all things - for God's glory to be revealed - can and will be achieved. Chris and I have pondered a life-verse for this baby. We began the search while it was still safe and protected in my womb. And yesterday we found it. We claim this verse over our precious little one knowing that he/she is safe in the arms of our God: "See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared." Exodus 23:20. God has now welcomed our baby into His gates, where He had prepared a place, and we will wait for the day when we will be welcomed into heaven by Jesus and our baby at His side.
Over the last several days, many people have confided in me that I have somehow been a beacon of faith that has stood out to them for one reason or another over the years. I find this difficult to believe and even more humbling to accept. I have lived a life of heartache and struggle, and unfortunately often feel like the bad outweighs the good, but I have learned to be steadfast in all things. I have grown to understand the sovereignty of God and that in all things - good and bad - He wants what is best for us and sometimes only He can know what that is and why. I have learned what it means to cast my cares at His feet and rest in His unfailing love. I have learned that sometimes even faith is not enough to pull me out from the darkest of moments, but that the Eternal Living Light of God will always shine through and rescue my soul when it needs it most. It's not my faith that you should admire, it's my God. Simply put. There is nothing in this world that is achievable without Him - not happiness, not fulfillment, not prosperity, not even faith. I'm always praying that He would strengthen my faith, and sometimes that means walking in the dark shadows of night. But He never leaves us, not even for a moment. Psalm 121 states "I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip, he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
In the words of Kari Jobe from a song that speaks deeply to my soul at this present time, it is a song written from God's perspective to His children:
"I sing over you my song of peace, cast all your cares down at my feet, come and find your rest in Me."
. . . to this I fervently cling.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Love In Action
I have a friend, her name is Kelly, and she is the greatest person on earth. I am convinced that she was put on this earth solely for me. God knew how much I was going to need her and I'm so thankful for that. I've struggled my whole life to find a friend who would love me, accept me, and embrace me unconditionally and I have found that in Kelly. From the moment I shared the news of our pregnancy with her, she has been our biggest cheerleader and prayer warrior. I'm convinced that this girl stays on her knees 24-7 just for me! Negative thoughts about this pregnancy never entered her mind and rarely did she "allow" them to enter mine :) So sharing the news with her about our loss was probably the most bittersweet. See, Kelly's not the kind of friend who loves from a distance. Kelly's heart literally broke with me and we could share in this pain together. The moment the words came out over the phone, nothing was more important to her than getting to me as fast as possible. She dropped everything in that moment to be with me. I'll never forget the next 2 hours. She held me and sobbed with me and prayed over me until the tears just wouldn't come anymore. She held my hand and reassured me of God's promises and His sovereignty over all things - even the loss of my baby. There's no inkling of doubt in her mind that this baby had a purpose and that God will bless us again - but never ever will baby Harrell be forgotten in our hearts. Over the next 48 hours she brought us food and got me out of the house. She texted and emailed and constantly reminded me of her love and deep care for us. She is my rock. Kelly understands what it means to put love into action - that's the kind of friend she longs to be. And I am forever grateful for that, especially in my weakest moments when she gives me strength and reminds me of the true source of our strength.
Now that our news has been made public, we have been showered with love from our friends and family. Someone is always checking in on us to see how we are and if there is anything that we need. We have received flowers and gifts and notes/emails with words of encouragement and scripture to meditate on. It's in moments like these when I contemplate what kind of friend I am. I hope I am like all of these who have poured out their hearts for us in our deepest time of need, and if not, it's clear what I should be. I want to be a friend who puts love into action - I don't want to love from a distance. If you're a part of my life, then what breaks your heart ought to break mine and if you're ever in need, it is my responsibility to meet that need as best I can. Going through this personal grievance has already taught me about who I want to be on the other side of it. For that I am grateful. I can say that I've learned 1 important lesson through this loss, but I'm still craving so much more. My sould craves for the answers that just don't seem to come.
We thank each of you from the bottom of our hearts for holding us close through this journey and reminding us that even in our darkest hour, we are NEVER alone.
Now that our news has been made public, we have been showered with love from our friends and family. Someone is always checking in on us to see how we are and if there is anything that we need. We have received flowers and gifts and notes/emails with words of encouragement and scripture to meditate on. It's in moments like these when I contemplate what kind of friend I am. I hope I am like all of these who have poured out their hearts for us in our deepest time of need, and if not, it's clear what I should be. I want to be a friend who puts love into action - I don't want to love from a distance. If you're a part of my life, then what breaks your heart ought to break mine and if you're ever in need, it is my responsibility to meet that need as best I can. Going through this personal grievance has already taught me about who I want to be on the other side of it. For that I am grateful. I can say that I've learned 1 important lesson through this loss, but I'm still craving so much more. My sould craves for the answers that just don't seem to come.
We thank each of you from the bottom of our hearts for holding us close through this journey and reminding us that even in our darkest hour, we are NEVER alone.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Mourning Into Dancing
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance . . ."
This is the verse I am clinging to right now. Most of you do not know this because we had not made it public yet, but Chris and I found out just before Christmas that we were expecting a baby. The journey of infertility through the last 5 years had finally led us to our hearts desire and we were thrilled. The pregnancy in itself was a conplete miracle - it really took us by surprise. We had been postponing our last fertility procedure to accommodate Chris's trip to Africa in early November. I was put on medications to keep the process going as it needed to, 1 of which was birth control pills. After discussing it further with our doctor much later, we came to understand that there is a small window of opportunity after you take your last BC pill when your FSH levels rise and increases your fertility. This is apparently when the Lord chose to create our miracle. We were not intentionally pursuing it at the time and we were not being assisted by doctors in any way - which made this discovery that much sweeter for us. Anyone who has walked this road with us these last 5 years can attest that our hearts desire was never to experience the miracle of conception through the help of the medical profession. We wanted to be able to give God all the glory He alone was due. So when we found out that we conceived this baby naturally, our hearts were alive with joy b/c we knew our God had been faithful and we couldn't wait to share THAT news. Additionally, that very same morning when I found out that we were pregnant, my quiet time was about how the Lord still works miracles in our modern-day life and that we should still wait in expectancy for Him to show up in miraculous ways even today. Sure enough, He showed up in a BIG way just 14 hours later when I read that positive pregnancy test for the first time. We were astonished . . . and also a bit in shock.
The last 6 weeks have been the scariest of my life. I never allowed myself to feel the joy that came with being pregnant b/c I was still so afraid that something would go wrong. God continued to meet our every need and answered every prayer we ever asked of Him. Every doctor's appointment went exactly as it needed to. We had 2 ultrasounds where we could clearly see the perfect placement of our baby in the uterus and the flickering of its little heartbeat. But still something inside me was paralyzed by fear - despite the proof that was staring me in the face. Just to be safe, I asked the doctor to examine me again on Friday afternoon. Nothing could have prepared me for that visit.
I laid down on the table and stared up at that screen - expecting to see that flutter that I had just seen 48 hours earlier. They spent a good deal of time prodding and probing and then asked me to get dressed and meet the doctor in her office. Sure enough, my fears had turned into reality, and the doctor sorrowfully shared with me that the heartbeat was no longer present and I was beginning to miscarry. She prepared me for what to expect during the process and then sent me home to relax as much as possible before the miscarriage showed up in full force.
The next 48 hours were agony. We cried and questioned and cried some more until we ran out of tears. It's hard enough feeling your own heart break, but when you witness your husband's heart break on top of that, it's almost completely unbearable. I'll never forget Chris' words to me after I told him the news as long as I live . . . "I really thought I was finally gonna get the chance to be a daddy." Like a dagger to the heart were those words to my soul - they pierced me straight to the core. It's hard not to feel somewhat responsible for the last 5 years and for the end of this baby's fragile life, but I know I can't carry the weight of that guilt with me everyday.
So we take each day hour by hour and pray for the strength to make it through as we begin to grasp the reality of what just happened to us. I have never really questioned God's sovereignty before - through it all, trusting in His sovereignty has been what's kept me going. But today, in my brokenness and nakedness before God, I cannot help but question this. God, why would you grant us every desire of our heart through this one miracle - why would you be attentive to every facet of this pregnancy and make it clear that you have always heard our prayers - if you had no intention of seeing it through? Why would you walk with us faithfully over the last 6 weeks just to remove your hand from us when we needed it most? Mostly, what is it that we can possibly walk away learning from this? WHAT IS THE LESSON HERE??? I've never struggled with unbelief before, but right now it has a power over me that I cannot seem to redirect. I just cannot understand what has just happened.
On Sunday, January 16th, our sweet baby Harrell joined the ranks with many others we know in heaven with Jesus and His angels. We know that he/she is in good company and we will get to meet him/her one day. In the meantime, we pray for healing for our hearts here on earth and a deeper understanding of God's faithfulness and sovereignty in our darkest moments. We don't yet know where to go from here. But we are still confident that we are meant to have a family of our own . . . and we continue to patiently wait for that day with complete surrender and reckless abandon.
"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy . . . " Psalm 30:11
This is the verse I am clinging to right now. Most of you do not know this because we had not made it public yet, but Chris and I found out just before Christmas that we were expecting a baby. The journey of infertility through the last 5 years had finally led us to our hearts desire and we were thrilled. The pregnancy in itself was a conplete miracle - it really took us by surprise. We had been postponing our last fertility procedure to accommodate Chris's trip to Africa in early November. I was put on medications to keep the process going as it needed to, 1 of which was birth control pills. After discussing it further with our doctor much later, we came to understand that there is a small window of opportunity after you take your last BC pill when your FSH levels rise and increases your fertility. This is apparently when the Lord chose to create our miracle. We were not intentionally pursuing it at the time and we were not being assisted by doctors in any way - which made this discovery that much sweeter for us. Anyone who has walked this road with us these last 5 years can attest that our hearts desire was never to experience the miracle of conception through the help of the medical profession. We wanted to be able to give God all the glory He alone was due. So when we found out that we conceived this baby naturally, our hearts were alive with joy b/c we knew our God had been faithful and we couldn't wait to share THAT news. Additionally, that very same morning when I found out that we were pregnant, my quiet time was about how the Lord still works miracles in our modern-day life and that we should still wait in expectancy for Him to show up in miraculous ways even today. Sure enough, He showed up in a BIG way just 14 hours later when I read that positive pregnancy test for the first time. We were astonished . . . and also a bit in shock.
The last 6 weeks have been the scariest of my life. I never allowed myself to feel the joy that came with being pregnant b/c I was still so afraid that something would go wrong. God continued to meet our every need and answered every prayer we ever asked of Him. Every doctor's appointment went exactly as it needed to. We had 2 ultrasounds where we could clearly see the perfect placement of our baby in the uterus and the flickering of its little heartbeat. But still something inside me was paralyzed by fear - despite the proof that was staring me in the face. Just to be safe, I asked the doctor to examine me again on Friday afternoon. Nothing could have prepared me for that visit.
I laid down on the table and stared up at that screen - expecting to see that flutter that I had just seen 48 hours earlier. They spent a good deal of time prodding and probing and then asked me to get dressed and meet the doctor in her office. Sure enough, my fears had turned into reality, and the doctor sorrowfully shared with me that the heartbeat was no longer present and I was beginning to miscarry. She prepared me for what to expect during the process and then sent me home to relax as much as possible before the miscarriage showed up in full force.
The next 48 hours were agony. We cried and questioned and cried some more until we ran out of tears. It's hard enough feeling your own heart break, but when you witness your husband's heart break on top of that, it's almost completely unbearable. I'll never forget Chris' words to me after I told him the news as long as I live . . . "I really thought I was finally gonna get the chance to be a daddy." Like a dagger to the heart were those words to my soul - they pierced me straight to the core. It's hard not to feel somewhat responsible for the last 5 years and for the end of this baby's fragile life, but I know I can't carry the weight of that guilt with me everyday.
So we take each day hour by hour and pray for the strength to make it through as we begin to grasp the reality of what just happened to us. I have never really questioned God's sovereignty before - through it all, trusting in His sovereignty has been what's kept me going. But today, in my brokenness and nakedness before God, I cannot help but question this. God, why would you grant us every desire of our heart through this one miracle - why would you be attentive to every facet of this pregnancy and make it clear that you have always heard our prayers - if you had no intention of seeing it through? Why would you walk with us faithfully over the last 6 weeks just to remove your hand from us when we needed it most? Mostly, what is it that we can possibly walk away learning from this? WHAT IS THE LESSON HERE??? I've never struggled with unbelief before, but right now it has a power over me that I cannot seem to redirect. I just cannot understand what has just happened.
On Sunday, January 16th, our sweet baby Harrell joined the ranks with many others we know in heaven with Jesus and His angels. We know that he/she is in good company and we will get to meet him/her one day. In the meantime, we pray for healing for our hearts here on earth and a deeper understanding of God's faithfulness and sovereignty in our darkest moments. We don't yet know where to go from here. But we are still confident that we are meant to have a family of our own . . . and we continue to patiently wait for that day with complete surrender and reckless abandon.
"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy . . . " Psalm 30:11
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