Purpose. What does that mean? What is my purpose? What was this baby's purpose? These are just a few of the thoughts rambling in my head right now. Loss can make you contemplate many things like that. I know we're all created with a purpose, but what happens when you feel like you've lost it along the way? How do you begin again? Where to start . . .
For me, I have come to realize through this experience, that my purpose is far greater than I am living out each day. I am meant for something more. For so many years I've lived my life just waiting, wasting my time, waiting for the day when I would get to become a mother and begin living out what I've always considered to be my real life's purpose. Years and years have gone by and I just keep waiting for that day for life to truly begin for me. Right now, I don't do anything significant with the time I have been given. I get on a bus, ride for an hour, sit in a cubicle staring at a screen for 8 hours, get back on a bus, ride for an hour, and watch TV until I fall asleep. This is what my life has become. I've never really had a problem with this before because I always knew it was just for a season. Everything was leading up to that one day when my real life could begin and I had my sights set on that goal alone. So I've just been biding my time waiting around for a dream. But maybe it's time to stop wasting my time, sitting around waiting for something significant to happen, and actually make something happen. I am not referring to having a baby, I have learned that there's no part of me that has any control over that. I am referring to change. Allowing myself to explore other ideas and opportunities out there that would make better use of time in the present. Stop living for the future. I wonder what inspires me? What empassions me? What motivates me? I wonder if there's anything out there I could be doing with my life that would bring myself and others value and fulfillment. Maybe I should go back to school and find what it is that I really love and pursue a path to a bigger reality. I feel stifled, complacent, and ultimately terribly unhappy living in a world where I make no impact nor any difference in anyone's life on any given day, including my own. I am equipped for so much more than that.
As for our baby and its tiny, fragile, and all-too-short life, I have found strength and comfort in the words of an acquaintance shared with me through a dear friend, "There is no circumstance, no trouble, no testing, that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But I refuse to...become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart." I may never fully understand what this baby's purpose was, but I can take comfort in knowing that it did have a purpose, a great purpose, and that ultimately, as God reveals a little more of it to me each day, the ultimate purpose for all things - for God's glory to be revealed - can and will be achieved. Chris and I have pondered a life-verse for this baby. We began the search while it was still safe and protected in my womb. And yesterday we found it. We claim this verse over our precious little one knowing that he/she is safe in the arms of our God: "See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared." Exodus 23:20. God has now welcomed our baby into His gates, where He had prepared a place, and we will wait for the day when we will be welcomed into heaven by Jesus and our baby at His side.
Over the last several days, many people have confided in me that I have somehow been a beacon of faith that has stood out to them for one reason or another over the years. I find this difficult to believe and even more humbling to accept. I have lived a life of heartache and struggle, and unfortunately often feel like the bad outweighs the good, but I have learned to be steadfast in all things. I have grown to understand the sovereignty of God and that in all things - good and bad - He wants what is best for us and sometimes only He can know what that is and why. I have learned what it means to cast my cares at His feet and rest in His unfailing love. I have learned that sometimes even faith is not enough to pull me out from the darkest of moments, but that the Eternal Living Light of God will always shine through and rescue my soul when it needs it most. It's not my faith that you should admire, it's my God. Simply put. There is nothing in this world that is achievable without Him - not happiness, not fulfillment, not prosperity, not even faith. I'm always praying that He would strengthen my faith, and sometimes that means walking in the dark shadows of night. But He never leaves us, not even for a moment. Psalm 121 states "I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip, he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
In the words of Kari Jobe from a song that speaks deeply to my soul at this present time, it is a song written from God's perspective to His children:
"I sing over you my song of peace, cast all your cares down at my feet, come and find your rest in Me."
. . . to this I fervently cling.
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