Bear with me here, it's been a rough day and I need to get this out! Most of the time, I feel like I'm a pretty strong person. I fully understand the reality of my struggles with infertility, and most days I can confidently say that while each day provides struggles of its own, I can usually face them head on knowing that I can surrender it to God and not have to endure too many moments of weakness on my own. But lately, it's been harder and harder for me to get through the day without some sort of mental or emotional breakdown. Literally, every single day for the last week I have received news of more people I know finding out that they're pregnant. It's almost laughable now because it's so ridiculous! I am literally unable to feel any sort of joy for these people because it seems that all my joy is robbed by their news. When does it stop? When will it be possible for me to wake up each morning and not have to face this nonsense anymore? And what is even more laughable is that I'm not even in a position to apply for adoption anymore since it is SO expensive and I have no job. Great! I'm just so tired of it all! If God has given me this dream to have children and raise a family, then why is He also making it impossible for me to fulfill it? How do you pick up and move on after what feels like the death of a dream?
On a more positive note (and thank you for letting me vent my frustrations up there!!!), I received an email today from my old boss saying that he has a friend in the education system in Concord who is looking for an Admin, and he thinks I'd be perfect for the job. YAY! Even if it's just an interview, at least it's something! It's also nice to know that my fellow CJS'ers are still thinking about me in my time of need! The work schedule and vacation schedule is wonderful within the education system! I've primarily been looking for a job that is either part-time, or just enough hours to not overwhelm me yet still provide a decent income. Over the last several weeks, since I've had the time off, I've been doing a lot of sewing and designing and finally agreed to build my own small business on the side. Chris has been a huge help in doing this and we are really excited, yet intimidated, by the opportunity. The business is called "Simply Divine" and it's a small boutique of homemade baby items (blankets, burp cloths, bibs, paci clips, onesies, etc.). I've been working on the website and hope to have it completed and published by the end of the week. I have to sew several more items to post on the website before I can release it, hence a full week dedicated to sewing! But I love it, it's fun, it's challenging, and I feel like I'm doing something important and still contributing in a small way to our home.
3 comments:
Hope this year is "different" one for you too! Just wanted you to know that your were on my mind and I was praying for you all.
First of all, congratulations on the new business venture! I saw some of your sewing projects and they are adorable! And I hope your interview with the school system goes well, and you get a great new job! I will definitely be praying.
I have always (and still do!!)looked up to you, since we first danced together at church. And if possible, you are more beautiful on the inside than you are on the outside! I wasn't able to read your blog until recently, so I didn't know what was going. But I wanted to tell you that I am praying for you. And I don't mean that in a sad or pitiful way either because you ARE a strong godly woman, and God is not done with you or your dream! I pray that He is able to reveal Himself to you in a whole new way through these "stepping stones." And that He adds an extra shine to the emanating grace you already have!
I love you, Melody!
Hey Mel, I'm just catching up since I "met" you, and I can totally relate to this post. We brought Lily home almost a year ago, and I still have only about 50% joy when I hear about a new pregnancy (which seems to be weekly-- you should join my Bible study if you want to get pregnant!) I will say though, that after waiting for Lily for 3 years, I can look back now and see all the things the Lord taught us while we waited (rather impatiently, I might add). Could I have learned them while being a mom? I'll never know this side of Heaven, but I do know His desire to make me more like Him is a lot stronger than His desire to make me a mother, and I'm grateful that He has my best interest at heart. It sounds like He's drawing you closer too-- that is never wasted time.
Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk to someone who's been there: elissajharrell@yahoo.com
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