Mourning Into Dancing

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance . . ."

This is the verse I am clinging to right now.  Most of you do not know this because we had not made it public yet, but Chris and I found out just before Christmas that we were expecting a baby.  The journey of infertility through the last 5 years had finally led us to our hearts desire and we were thrilled.  The pregnancy in itself was a conplete miracle - it really took us by surprise.  We had been postponing our last fertility procedure to accommodate Chris's trip to Africa in early November.  I was put on medications to keep the process going as it needed to, 1 of which was birth control pills.  After discussing it further with our doctor much later, we came to understand that there is a small window of opportunity after you take your last BC pill when your FSH levels rise and increases your fertility.  This is apparently when the Lord chose to create our miracle.  We were not intentionally pursuing it at the time and we were not being assisted by doctors in any way - which made this discovery that much sweeter for us.  Anyone who has walked this road with us these last 5 years can attest that our hearts desire was never to experience the miracle of conception through the help of the medical profession.  We wanted to be able to give God all the glory He alone was due.  So when we found out that we conceived this baby naturally, our hearts were alive with joy b/c we knew our God had been faithful and we couldn't wait to share THAT news.  Additionally, that very same morning when I found out that we were pregnant, my quiet time was about how the Lord still works miracles in our modern-day life and that we should still wait in expectancy for Him to show up in miraculous ways even today.  Sure enough, He showed up in a BIG way just 14 hours later when I read that positive pregnancy test for the first time.  We were astonished . . . and also a bit in shock.

The last 6 weeks have been the scariest of my life.  I never allowed myself to feel the joy that came with being pregnant b/c I was still so afraid that something would go wrong.  God continued to meet our every need and answered every prayer we ever asked of Him.  Every doctor's appointment went exactly as it needed to.  We had 2 ultrasounds where we could clearly see the perfect placement of our baby in the uterus and the flickering of its little heartbeat.  But still something inside me was paralyzed by fear - despite the proof that was staring me in the face.  Just to be safe, I asked the doctor to examine me again on Friday afternoon.  Nothing could have prepared me for that visit.

I laid down on the table and stared up at that screen - expecting to see that flutter that I had just seen 48 hours earlier.  They spent a good deal of time prodding and probing and then asked me to get dressed and meet the doctor in her office.  Sure enough, my fears had turned into reality, and the doctor sorrowfully shared with me that the heartbeat was no longer present and I was beginning to miscarry.  She prepared me for what to expect during the process and then sent me home to relax as much as possible before the miscarriage showed up in full force.

The next 48 hours were agony.  We cried and questioned and cried some more until we ran out of tears.  It's hard enough feeling your own heart break, but when you witness your husband's heart break on top of that, it's almost completely unbearable.  I'll never forget Chris' words to me after I told him the news as long as I live . . . "I really thought I was finally gonna get the chance to be a daddy."  Like a dagger to the heart were those words to my soul - they pierced me straight to the core.  It's hard not to feel somewhat responsible for the last 5 years and for the end of this baby's fragile life, but I know I can't carry the weight of that guilt with me everyday.

So we take each day hour by hour and pray for the strength to make it through as we begin to grasp the reality of what just happened to us.  I have never really questioned God's sovereignty before - through it all, trusting in His sovereignty has been what's kept me going.  But today, in my brokenness and nakedness before God, I cannot help but question this.  God, why would you grant us every desire of our heart through this one miracle - why would you be attentive to every facet of this pregnancy and make it clear that you have always heard our prayers - if you had no intention of seeing it through?  Why would you walk with us faithfully over the last 6 weeks just to remove your hand from us when we needed it most?  Mostly, what is it that we can possibly walk away learning from this?  WHAT IS THE LESSON HERE???  I've never struggled with unbelief before, but right now it has a power over me that I cannot seem to redirect.  I just cannot understand what has just happened.

On Sunday, January 16th, our sweet baby Harrell joined the ranks with many others we know in heaven with Jesus and His angels.  We know that he/she is in good company and we will get to meet him/her one day.  In the meantime, we pray for healing for our hearts here on earth and a deeper understanding of God's faithfulness and sovereignty in our darkest moments.  We don't yet know where to go from here.  But we are still confident that we are meant to have a family of our own . . . and we continue to patiently wait for that day with complete surrender and reckless abandon.

"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.  You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy . . .  " Psalm 30:11