Lately I find myself wondering about why I'm being picked on. Of all the people in the unvierse that God created, why have I been cast this lot in life? It seems like as soon as one tragedy ends another one begins and sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and say "I just can't take it anymore." I long for days when everything feels right, normal . . . when I'm not worrying about life or death or the uncertainty in between. Somebody tell me, what's that like? What's it like to have all your plans succeed? Or to wake up each day knowing that your dad doesn't have brain tumors and will live to see another day? What's it like to not carry the burdens of everyone else around you and be their strength when you're grasping to find strength of your own? Tell me, what's that like? Sometimes I'm so empty that I cannot even find the words to pray.
I'm reminded of a little-known character in the Old Testament Bible by the name of Job. As you are already aware, Job was a man of great wealth and success. He had everything he needed/wanted in life at his fingertips. Health, wealth, good fortune . . . he had it all. Then one day, Satan strikes up a conversation with God after prowling around the earth looking for someone to devour. And God, in His righteous wisdom, offers up His servant Job to him. "Then the Lord said to Satan, 'Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.'" Satan accepts that challenge and countless times Job is put to the test. God allows Satan to strip Job of everything - his entire family, all his possessions, his health - all over the course of a few days. Through it all, Job remains righteous, blameless, and upright. And as a result of his faithfulfulness, God, once again, found favor with Job and blessed him beyond measure at the end of his testing.
It's in times like these - when we lose our baby, when my dad is lied up in an ER in Raleigh just trying to survive - when I feel like a modern-day Job. It's hard not to see the forrest for the trees. In other words, it's easier to focus on the trial instead of the blessing. Sometimes we're so consumed by the trial that we cannot begin to recognize the blessing that awaits us on the other side. And I'm not so sure we can ever really know what awaits us there, but we can at least find rest in knowing that God's journey will never lead to destruction, rather to salvation. While I so often feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, I can find peace in knowing that God's love will carry me (and my mom, and my dad, etc.) through that trial straight into victory.
I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring; but if my tragic circumstances are a result of God's favor with me, then for now, that's something I can hold on to.
1 comment:
Melody-
I am so sorry for the hard time you are having to endure right now! I am praying for God's perfect peace to flood your heart and your life. I subscribe to the Proverbs 31 Email daily devotion and today it was on how our lives are like a book. She equated it to a book that a friend encouraged her to read that she struggled to get through. She had it was so painful while in the middle. The antagonists were too mean, the struggles too hard, etc. However, at the end, things ended happily and she could appreciate what they had been through. She said that is like our lives. Although we may be at page 452 right now where things are so dark and hard that we want to stop reading, when we get to page 750 (or maybe even 453), things will show beautifully the story God is writing in our lives and it will all make sense. You are far wiser than I am and probably know things like this already, but I know that for me at times it helps to be reminded. I love you and I am praying for you!
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